I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
