After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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