P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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