I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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