1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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