I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
