I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
