Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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