My room smells like vodka and shame
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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