Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there was a trapeze. enough said
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
