I think I won the penis lottery.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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