when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
