I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
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Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
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Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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