1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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