You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
