I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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