We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
