I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
