My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
