operation harelip BJ is a go
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
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he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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