there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And my parents said I crawled through the house
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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