Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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