Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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