Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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