you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You're a waste of cheezeits
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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