Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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