my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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