Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
