im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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