You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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