I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i will never coherently bang her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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