Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
