1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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