Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
