@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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