So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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