I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You are a genius and a whore.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
