dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
