Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
