Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
