I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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