My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Terrible idea I love it
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
