Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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