I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
