There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
