I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm bleeding and have questions
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
