I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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