My sheets look like a crime scene.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
