i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
