matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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