i just wanna soil my oats bro
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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