Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
