Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
