Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
