Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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