am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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