You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
